her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad