My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
looks legit
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch