LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Perfect
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.