Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me