My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.