#Caturday
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.