According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
How is it still this week?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.