Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You Might Also Like
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses