I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Yes my dude
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.