HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
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THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.