“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
this is the news I live for
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.