Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
You Might Also Like
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
this is the best interaction on twitter
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?