*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Home is where your toilet is.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..