hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Living the best life.. 😊
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings