Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Netflix: We have Less
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish