I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now