very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
You Might Also Like
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Flowers bee like
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas