Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*