It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.