Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
ok like just. call me at this point
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.