Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK