Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.