Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
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I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman