hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Happy Star Wars day!