Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit