The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
What kind of a cult is this?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.