In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.