I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
đś That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana đś
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Thought Iâd be trendy and try one of these âalternative milksâ.
I donât know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horribleâŚ
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like đ đ đ until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isâŚ
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
âi was born in the wrong generationâ bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If by ânew moneyâ you mean it hasnât been printed yet, yes, thatâs me.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
The internet is undefeated.. đ
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Heâs dead
In 10 years theyâll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and theyâll shift gears to go faster.
in space.