Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
You Might Also Like
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
😍😂🥰😂😍
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder