Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
happy friday
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.