Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
You Might Also Like
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.