Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]