coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.