The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.