me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet