Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.