If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.