Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”