Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car