[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy