I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
You Might Also Like
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.