I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
You Might Also Like
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“You’d better run, egg!”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?