Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
You Might Also Like
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Haha! 😂
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The “baby” on the left….
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.