Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A great tip. #CakeRex
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
english majors be like furthermore
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…