No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile in Portland…
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef