Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.