Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I came this close!!!!
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
sigh
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys