If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt