I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?