Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.